When there’s a room full of people, why is it that cats tend to go to the person who has the least interest in them? So often it’s the person with allergies or the one who doesn’t like cats (unfortunate soul) that is the object of their overtures. How a cat views the interaction with people is very different from what the human in the equation is assuming. Turns out they are going to be drawn to people who are more subtle in the interactions with them. They like the ones who aren’t looking directly at them and aren’t trying really hard to get their attention. The person trying to force an interaction is usually the one the cat’s trying to move away from.
We give the signal to others that we want to be friends by being sunny, chipper and open. We greet one another with a lilting, kind of loud tone and extend a hand to touch or even an embrace. When we see these behaviors in others we feel safe approaching them. We feel welcome and secure with another person who does this. So it’s only natural that we approach our animal the same way. But not every animal is going to feel safe and secure when they see it. I think most people understand that you try to be quiet and take care not to startle wildlife. But we think that the animals that live with us should be able to tolerate our relatively boisterous behavior. Let’s give cats a break and rethink our expectations.
Cats are very sensitive to both the intensity of interaction and its duration. Many of us have experienced the cat that likes the brief, low level interaction, usually after the cat has come to us rather than the other way around. But as soon as we up the ante on the interaction by petting longer, trying to cuddle or pick up to embrace, we have a cat that’s wiggling away, or worse yet, getting aggressive because getting to close can make a cat scared. While cats can be more social with their own close group, with the rest of the world, they tend to be solitary creatures. They aren’t hardwired to be tolerant of others, as it’s usually not in their best interest to be accepting of strangers or even other cats nearby. They have their species memory of either being someone’s lunch or letting their lunch get away. They have very different responses from pack animals like dogs, where it’s an advantage to be part of the group and be more accepting to the overtures of others. Cats get a bad rap for being aloof and uncaring when all they’re trying to do is survive in an emotional environment the best way they know how.
If you want to try and make friends with a cat, especially a timid cat, always start on the low end of the interaction spectrum and see what they can tolerate. That may mean just being in the same room without trying to initiate any other interaction. Not talking, not looking, and not taking that sneaky peek to follow the cat around with your eyes. Cats are usually at their most secure when they think they’re invisible, so try to help them feel that way. If you see that a cat is giving signals that things are getting stressful, you’ll want to do what you can not to reinforce the anxiety. Never force an interaction. Try to back down on how long you’re spending in the room or with whatever overtures you’re making. And it’s always a good idea to associate a treat with your presence too. If a cat seems to be accepting your presence, you can try to talk to them or play and maybe even move closer. Remember that all of these actions are increasing the level of intensity of the interaction. Trying to pet a cat is a pretty bold thing to do from the cat’s perspective. And picking a cat up is about like your Aunt Agnes smothering you with hugs, kisses and cooing over your rosy cheeks. You’ve got to have a little respect for a cat’s sense of safety.
So the next time you encounter a cat you’d like to meet, pretend like you don’t see them. You might find that if you let them come to you on their terms, they’ll be all over you.
